Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize