So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my shit smells like andre
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize