My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize