every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
