Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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