I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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