marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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