i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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