I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
