life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
