i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
