his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
