How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
