im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
