She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
