I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you made out with another girl for some wings
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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