This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
