he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
