bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think my mom watched the whole time
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize