the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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