I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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