I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
