i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
