I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
