So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize