I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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