Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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