I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
false alarm, still single
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
