I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She told me I should be a condom model.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
