When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
