one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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