I am midnight drunk by noon
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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