They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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