am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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