it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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