I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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