Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
