wanna go halves on a baby?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize