Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
