Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
