the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
