can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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