Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
