He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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