This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
