so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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