mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
