We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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