i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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