did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
