Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
