Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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