....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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