I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
