My first STD was from a foam party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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