When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
