I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
