it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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