I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
