Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize