Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
