he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize