your thong is hanging out like whoa
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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