good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
