Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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