I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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