That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm getting married
To pizza
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
