i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
