i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
