just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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