I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
