oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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