I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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