i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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